Reflections on Calming The Emotional Storm

First, in March 2013, I felt my life spin out of control a little so I got this book at the book store.  I chose this book above the others because it was very short and I didn’t have much time to commit to reading it.  I began reading immediately, but after the first or second chapter, I put the book down.

I picked the book pack up, and the past posts have been my findings.  Before getting to spiritually relevant information, I want to discuss the writer’s voice.  I did not like the jumpiness of the chapters or the feeling of rambling, because I was scared that without meticulous organization in the writing, the lessons would be lost.  If I read through it like a novel and did not stop to reflect or re-read chapters at a time, then the lessons may very well have been lost on me.  Instead, I actually wrote about my findings, completed the exercises, and reflected on the concepts.  Therefore, I had a great experience overall with this book.

Up to now, I have given books spread out chapters.  I may go back and do this later, but if I only read two chapters in the book, I would read Ch 5 (nonjudgment) and Ch 9 (positive thinking).  I think they are the quickest and easiest and most relate-able.  Further, I truly think those chapters were the most powerful and least over-thought.  Now, I will give only three important pieces of the book.

(1)  Ah, So

In Jivamutki Yoga, there is an “Ah, So” story, accessible here http://mylitworld.wordpress.com/2011/11/22/ah-so/ .

The following quotes reflect the meaning of Ah, So, to me:

• “It’s okay that you feel like this.  You’ve felt like this before, and it doesn’t last forever.  You’re going to get through this.”  (VanDijk 39)
• Regarding judgments, “Ideally, the goal is to be nonjudgmental, or neutral.  In other words, the goal is to be neither positive nor negative.”  (VanDijk 96)

(2)  Long-term v. Short-term

Recently, my man and I had an interesting discussion.  We currently live and work in different cities, but we both hope that one day we will settle down with jobs and personal lives in the same city.  He said something super-brilliant to me (to make me stop whining/crying about being apart from him):  Lady, this is only temporary, look at our current jobs and cities as short term issues, and hold out for the long run.

It thrilled me, of course, to find that same sentiment reflected in the VanDijk book:

• In the Leave the Judgments Out of It Section, VanDijk writes, “When you’re being nonjudgmental, you’re saying what you really mean rather than just sticking a short-term label on something.  Being nonjudgmental is a more effective way of communicating.” (94)
• In the How to Be More Effective in Your Life Section, VanDijk asks What does Being Effective Mean?  and answers, “The skill of being effective refers to doing what works, doing what moves you closer to your long-term goals, and doing what you need to do to get your needs met” (103, citations omitted)
• She further states, “…it can help if you take some time, slow yourself down, and give some thought to setting a goal before acting…when you have conflicting goals…you need to access your wise self to help you decide which goal is most important to you…” (109)

(3)  Sit in the Shit/ Be Content Whatever the Circumstances

In the fall, I had a prayer group study the Calm My Anxious Heart, and we discussed Christian scripture.  One verse includes St. Paul saying that he has learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  A lady in our group explained that she has recently learned to “sit in the shit.”  What?  We all looked at her, aghast, did you just say “shit”?  Yes, she replied, I have to learn to just sit with all the bad things and get used to them because they may be here a while.  

For me, painful emotions feel like “shit.”  In an attempt to accept the “shit” in my life and “be content whatever the circumstances,” I can now utilize VanDijk’s emotional recognitions.

• In the Learning About Your Emotions Section, she suggests to name the emotions, saying “It’s a well known fact that people who are able to identify their emotions are more able to manage them…over time and with practice, you’ll become more familiar with your emotions and better at identifying them.”
• She offers an exercise:  “Ask yourself the question ‘What emotion is here?’ and just allow your attention to be drawn to whatever emotion makes itself known.  Be open to it and curious about it.  Describe it in as much detail as you can.  Can you put a name on it?  If you can, name it.  Don’t judge it if it’s a painful emotion, just acknowledge its presence.”
• In the Quieting Your Emotions Section, she states “Validating your emotions means that you accept them and have the ability to understand them; not that you like those emotions or want them to hang aground, but that you acknowledge their presence, and give yourself permission to feel them. (82-83)

The Building Blocks for Positive Emotions

This is Chapter 9 of the Van Dijk book.

This chapter breaks down as follows: notice the little things, plan positive events, find enjoyable activities, making it work for you, work on building mastery, set goals, do it whether or not you fee like it, be mindful to your emotions, noticing your positive emotions, validation all your emotions, increase the positive in your life.

Increase the positive in your life:

• Throw out the word “motivation”; don’t think about whether or not you feel like it, and just do it!
• Likewise, forget about “trying” to do something,  Either do it or don’t.
• Being mindful to the activities that you’re doing will increase your enjoyment of them, as you’re more fully present for the activity.
• It’s just as important, though, to be mindful to the emotion you’re experiencing–whether painful or pleasant–rather than judging it.
• Trying to hold on to pleasant emotions is a sure way of making them disappear; being mindful to your emotions means accepting them as they are, not trying to get rid of the painful ones and not clinging to the pleasant ones.  (Van Dijk 153)

Getting Through a Crisis without Making it Worse

This is Chapter 7 of the Van Dijk book.

It is set up as: what is a crisis, what to do in a crisis, use what’s worked before, consider the consequences, distract yourself, soothe yourself, this one moment,

Mindfulness Exercise:

“When in a crisis situation, the DBT skill of being in just this one moment (Linehan 1993) that was introduced in chapter 2 can be especially helpful.  There are no special instructions for this mindfulness exercise; it’s simply about being mindful to whatever one thing you’re doing in the present moment.  For example, if you’re washing the dishes, just wash the dishes, with full attention and with acceptance of whatever your experience is in that moment.  If you’re walking the dog, just walk the dog: bringing your attention back to walking the dog again and again, not judging yourself for wandering or for any of the painful thoughts or emotions that might be coming up,

“By focusing your entire attention on what you’re doing in this one moment, you can turn your attention away from the crisis and the distressing thoughts and emotions that are coming up.  Doing one thing at a time in the present moment, with your full attention and with acceptance, also helps you to feel less overwhelmed in times of crisis.  But remember that mindfulness, distress tolerance, and most other skills are especially difficult to practice in stressful moments, and as best as you can, don’t judge yourself when you find your attention constantly wandering back to the crisis.”  (Van Dijk 123)

Quieting Your Emotions

This is Chapter 4 of the Van Dijk book.

It’s important to remember that your parents, caregivers, and other people you learned these things from also received messages about emotions when they were growing up, as did their parents, and their parents before them.  This is about understanding yourself better, so you can change those patterns that are no longer helpful for you.  Understanding the way you think and feel about certain emotions can help you change the way you think and feel about those emotions, which will help you to manage your emotions more effectively. (78-79)

The chapter is laid out: Messages about emotions, the impact of your beliefs, primary emotions, secondary emotions, how do you feel about your feelings, validating your emotions, how to validate your emotions, validating your emotions, levels of validation, acknowledgement, and allowing.

Validating your emotions means that you accept them and have the ability to understand them; not that you like those emotions or want them to hang around, but that you acknowledge their presence, and give yourself permission to feel them. (82-83)…Stop struggling.  Lie back and accept that the emotions are there. (83)…the key here is that you need to stop fighting those emotions and accept your situation (83)

Without trying to change any of these sensations, just let yourself notice their presence; be curious about them and open toward them, without judgment, even if you don’t like what you notice. (84)

P. 86-87 states: Here are some examples of validating statements, using anger as an example:

• I feel angry.
• It’s okay that I feel angry right now.
• I’m feeling angry.  It’s uncomfortable, but it is what it is.
• I’m feeling angry for a reason.
• It makes sense that I’m feeling angry, because I just had a fight with my friend.
• I’m feeling angry right now, but that doesn’t mean anything about me as a person.
• It makes sense that I would have problems with my temper because of the environment I grew up in.

Learning About Your Emotions III

This post is for Shame or Guilt, page 58-59 of the VanDijk book.

The reason I pulled this to be by itself is because it correlates with the Theology of the Body post previously discussed here.  I believe taking a clinical psych view of the same topics is important.

Shame or Guilt

Shame and guilt are two different feelings.  Shame arises when you feel that other people are judging you for something.  You feel guilt when you are judging yourself.  It makes sense, then, that you’ll quite often experience both of these emotions at once:  when you’ve done something that goes against your morals and values, you judge yourself for this, and you expect that others are judging you as well.  As with sadness, the urge with shame or guilt is often to hide away, to isolate yourself and withdraw from people around you.  Here are some examples of when you might feel shame or guilt:

• When you do something you believe is wrong or immoral (you feel guilt) or something that others believe is wrong or immoral (you feel shame).  For example, someone who enjoys being dominated during sex may not experience guilt for his sexual preference because he doesn’t feel he’s doing anything immoral, but he may experience shame if others believe his preferences are immoral
• When you are criticized in front of others
• When you are criticized in front of others
• When you think about or are reminded of something immoral that you did in the past or when someone else finds out that you did something immoral
• When someone whose opinion you value rejects or criticizes you for something you expected praise for (such as doing something you think is helpful for a team member at work and receiving the feedback that you shouldn’t have done it)

Shame and guilt often come with some of the physical sensations that accompany sadness and fear; you might have the urge to cry or might experience tightness in your chest and throat.  Feeling a sense of shame, you might blush and experience the nervousness that accompanies fear.  Feeling shame or guilt might also give you an urge to try to rectify the situation, such as trying to apologize if you’ve hurt someone.

Here are some other words to describe different types of shame or guilt:  ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, mortified, degraded, disgraced, guilty, apologetic, contrite, sorry, regretful, self-disgust, self-conscious, remorseful, blamed, repentant.

Emotions

…I include Emotions by Mariah Carey as a follow through to the post on feeling emotions…

Calming the Emotional Storm: Introduction

This is the Introduction to “Calming the Emotional Storm” by Sheri Van Dijk, MSW.

I picked up this book last spring.  I browsed through it.  Then I started reading some mental health books.  Then I started reading the mindfulness books (esp. Jack Kornfield’s book posted here).  Now, I look back at this book and see all of these issues are tied together by Van Dijk.

I know emotions are not necessarily spiritual, and the theme of this blog centers around keeping a healthy spirit.  However, I do know, from personal experience, that emotions can hamper spiritual depth.  If I feel poorly emotionally, I am more often than not going to feel poorly spiritually.  Therefore, I believe this book deserves a place in this blog.

There are 10 chapters and a Conclusion section in this book.

Introduction

“[W]hat happens when the emotions you’re experiencing don’t seem to make sense and you can’t understand them?”  (Van Dijk 1)

“[Y]our relationships and your self-esteem may suffer, as a result of your inability to manage your emotions or as a result of” other unhealthy behaviors. (Van Djik3)

“There is evidence that the way we experience emotions is hardwired into us; some people are simply born more emotionally sensitive than others.  When this is the case, you are more vulnerable to emotion dysregulation problems because you are more likely to be overwhelmed by your emotions.”  (Van Dijk 3)

One of the most common contributing factors to emotion dysregulation is growing up in an emotionally invalidating environment, where you were taught that your emotions were wrong, inappropriate, or not ok.  As a result, children growing up in this envoronment learn to suppress, ignore, and avoid their emotions, causing their feelings to be increasingly foreign, scary, and confusing to them.  (Van Dijk 3)

What happens when you mix mindfulness with cognitive behavioral therapy?  You get dialectical behavior therapy.  That’s what the Van Dijk book explores.

“Mindfulness is about living in the present moment with awareness and with acceptance; what this means in terms of emotion dysregulation is that you learn to become more aware of your personal experience, including your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, giving you the opportunity to make changes in any of these areas.” (Van Dijk 5)

Van Dijk’s website is:  http://www.sherivandijk.com/bipolar.php

The Spiritual Roller Coaster: Kundalini and Other Side Effects

This is Chapter 9 of the Kornfield book.

The sections in this chapter are:

(1)  Atitudes Toward Altered States–Certain spiritual paths insist that we need to attain profoundly altered states of consciousness in order to discovery a “transcendent” vision of life, to open beyond our body and mind and realize the divine taste of liberation. [Other schools]’s teachings say that liberation and transcendence must be discovered here and now, for if not here in the present, where else can it be found?  Instead of seeking to transcend, the perspective of the “immanent” school teaches reality, enlightenment, or the divine must shine through every moment or it is not genuine. (p. 120)

(2)  Some Common Altered States–When we begin a spiritual practice, we struggle with the pains of our body and the armoring we have forged for it over the years, we face emotional storms, and we encounter a procession of five common hinderances.  But as we continue spiritual practice, and become more familiar and compassionate with our deepest difficulties, even the most ingrained pattens of holding and fear will gradually lose their power over us.  We develop a spirit of calm and steadiness, whatever our means of practice. (p. 122)

(a)  Raptures–rapture is a broad term used to cover the many kinds of chills, movements, lights, floating, vibrations, delight, and more that open with deep concentration, as well as the enormous pleasure they can bring to meditation.  (p. 122)…Deep concentration can lead to all kinds of visions and visionary experiences.  Floods of memories, images of past lives, scenes of foreign lands, pictures of heavens and hells, the energies of all the great archetypes, can open before our eyes.  (p. 125)…(this has happened to me:  “…we can experience a release of the strongest kinds of emotions, from sorrow and despair to delight and ecstasy.  Meditation may feel like an emotional roller coaster as we allow ourselves to be plunged into unconscious emotions.” p. 126)

(b)  Chakras–This section describes the chakras and the openings of the energy body and the experience as our inner energy tries to move and free itself in the body

(3)  Skillful Means of Working with the Energetic and Emotional Openings–we need a teacher who has personally encountered and understood these dimensions of the psyche

(a)  All Experiences are Side Effects–In the Buddhist tradition, the Buddha often reminded students that the purpose of his teaching was not the accumulation of special good deeds and good karma or rapture or insight or bliss, but only the sure heart’s release–a true liberation of our being in every realm.  This freedom and awakening, and this alone, is the purpose of any genuine spiritual path. (p. 129)

(b)  Finding the Brake—very cool and interesting section!  The most important thing, however, is:  it is necessary to find a guide, someone who has touched their own madness, grief, and loss of boundaries, who can gradually and fearlessly direct us back to the ground of our own true nature.  (p. 132)

(c)  Awareness of the Dance–the practitioner’s primary responsibility is to open to the experience with a full awareness, observing and sensing it as a part of the dance of our human life. (p. 133)

(4)  Meditation:  Reflecting on Your Attitude Toward Altered States

Guru: The Teacher You Can See and Feel

I’ve always searched for role models.  I’ve always looked beyond my parents as the adults I should be looking up to.  I’ve searched in school and found amazing teachers.  I’ve searched in church and found devoted minsters.  I’ve searched in athletics and found companions on the journey of life.  In the office I search for good mentors.

Also, when I read this chapter and made notes on what to post, I was sitting in a coffee shop on a Sunday morning.  Engrossed in my reading, I thought I heard a familiar voice.  I glanced around and saw no one I knew.  Then the voice again.  I stood up, went to the bathroom, and there was a professional mentor of mine, sitting and drinking coffee with a mentor of his.  Very powerful stuff.  I assume I was on overdrive thinking about the mentors/ gurus in my life, so I have so much to share from Chapter 5.

This chapter is intended to discuss the “Guru,” the remover of darkness, teacher, in the sense of finding a yoga Guru who can inundate the student in Indian theory and physical asana.  However, my reading of the entire chapter was of thanksgiving for the gurus (teachers) I have in my life, and of hope that there will be more to come.  With that in mind, I present the following quotes:

“The concept of guru is difficult for most Westerns to accept, because we like to think we are in charge.  But the truth is that the predominant powers in our society control most people’s lives.  Big corporations and the advertising agencies that work for them decide what people think about and shape our society’s values.  Methods to gain genuine control over our lives are not taught in our schools; instead, working for material gain is emphasized.  Most of us are at the mercy of our emotions, and when we can’t handle them we use alcohol or other drugs, TV, shopping, eating, or sex to make ourselves feel happier.  The idea that lasting happiness can be found inside, without having to buy, smoke, eat, watch, or drink anything, is foreign to us.  We may need a translator.  The guru is the translator.”  (Gannon 69-70).

“A guru is a teacher who imparts to you insights or revelations about Yoga.  A guru may also give you a method to practice so that you may realize for yourself the truth of those revelations.”  (Gannon 70).

When you come before any teacher, set aside “I know,” so that you can be taught. (Gannon 70).

“What Americans need most is more humility.  There is a lack of humility here,” an Indian guru told us during one of his first visits to the States.  “This will be very difficult,” he continued, “because your culture does not support humility.  In fact, humility is taken advantage of and overwhelmed in this society.  In India humility is highly regarded.”–Gannon 71.  My thoughts:  I note that this paragraph reconciles with the Catholic Christian teachings I believe.  Further, Gannon, on page 71 states:

• Humility is like a magical elixir that cures arrogance.
• The guru tradition is based on humility and appreciation.
• “Gu” means darkness, ignorance, that which obscures beauty and truth.
• “Ru” means “that which removes.
• So the Guru removes ignorance.

When people have an intense yearning for God, their mood is infectious.  We get a contact high from their God intoxication.  –Gannon 72

“Sticking with a guru or staying in a satsang that challenges us to change for the better can be difficult.  Sometimes it is initially uncomfortable to keep the company of people who inspire us to change.  Also, in the West, because democracy and equality are stressed so highly, we tend to believe that the best teacher is the one who is most like us–like our personality self, that is.  But the yoga tradition says that the best teacher may not be the person who is most like you.  The guru should be capable of standing behind you with a stick, prodding you to investigate your full potential.”  (Gannon 73).

We recommend, therefore, that you being your yoga practice with intense investigation:  read the scriptures and take classes.  You must also be willing to let trust develop between you and a teacher.  –Gannon 73

“Always strive to develop sattvic qualities.  If you are teaching, strive to be financially, emotionally, and spiritually independent of your students.  Become dependent only on God.  If you’re a student, it won’t matter what kind of teacher you have if your intentions are pure.  You will benefit.  Cultivate sattva in yourself and the teacher’s faults need not affect you.  Even a student with a tamasic teacher can obtain liberation.

“A good teacher is interested only in your enlightenment.  A good teacher wants you to become completely independent, meaning dependent-inward.  The guru’s job is removal of the false constructions within you that prevent you from perceiving your inner soul.  The guru’s job is to remind you that you are the divine Self.”  (Gannon 84).